Archive for the ‘General Thoughts’ Category

A Little Beef with Seattle (or Cities)

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

Comedy has brought me to Seattle. It’s a great city and I love to visit, but there are some things that get under my skin — no, it isn’t the weather.

There is none. There is absolutely no space in Seattle or any city I’ve been to, which is a gigantic pain in the ass. There’s no such thing as a parking lot. There might be a parking garage, but you’d better plan on paying through the teeth to keep your car there. Even on most of the streets you have to pay to park, that is, if you can find a place to park. It’s almost like your car has a meter running on it while it’s at rest. One dollar for every thirty minutes your car just sits there like a special needs child with a banana. If you can find a spot to park your car, you have no need for a gym, because you will be walking your ass off. If you want to watch the Mariners play, you can park for free so long as you’re in Guam. You’ve gotta hoof it. There are way too many people and way too many cars.

There is shit on top of shit in these places. Stores and homes are crammed together and on top of each other. Most of them are dirty and probably would fail some inspection code of some sort. The west coast is younger than the east coast, yet everything looks like it was built out of Ed McMahon’s scrotum. It’s cramped, stinking, saggy, old, and unfunny.

Starbucks are all over the place, which is fine if you want mediocre corporate-driven coffee in a tight space with no internet connection. I’d rather the local joint right next door that boasts free wi-fi. This sounds great, but half these places are even smaller and don’t have any goddamn plug-ins! Sure, they’ll let you use the wi-fi, but only for the duration of your computer’s shitty battery. Most places also won’t let the public use their restrooms — not even for customers. I’m not sure where people are supposed to take a piss. Maybe that’s why everybody seems on edge — nobody can find a place to take a nice, relieving dump. Nobody goes the extra mile to be nice. Everything will cost you. No plug-ins, no place to park, no place to shit.

For the most part, I don’t have a problem with people here, but they have some odd peccadillos. It seems that the vast majority of people go out of their way to look old and/or homeless. 7 out of 10 people have intentionally bad haircuts. The guy I bought coffee from yesterday had a handlebar mustache, looking like he was going to sell me rock candy at the general store in the 1920s. Everybody’s clothes seem to be ripped or torn or from a vintage store. It looks odd to me today, but the grim reality is whatever happens in the city becomes fashion in the smaller towns in about two years. Sweet. Someday I’ll look forward to having massive glasses, a shitty haircut, and a weird old sweater that was made in the 50s.

Shoot-up, A-Rod

Monday, February 9th, 2009

I’ve got your back, Alex Rodriguez. You, and any other athlete (or American, for that matter), feel free to shoot up as much as you want. I don’t care. And — I don’t think there should be an asterisk by any of the records. Do all the steroids you want.

Steroids have become the scapegoat drug in professional sports because people think they falsely enhance people’s abilities. They don’t think we can compare Barry Bonds to Babe Ruth. Frankly, I think steroids are one of a hundred things that make athletes better today than in years past.

EVERYTHING has changed since the 20s, when people like Babe Ruth would jam hot dogs in his head and get loaded during games. Our knowledge of diet has changed considerably, as has our methods of producing foods. Unless you’re eating organic foods, the beef, chicken, and produce we eat is far from what it once was. We understand how many carbs and proteins and vitamins an athlete needs for optimum performance. We can go to a GNC and buy whey, creatine, NO2, and a bunch of other stuff that helps athletes in ways we don’t totally understand. Steroids are just another chemical we have access to, and just happens to provide more rapid growth to people who already have ability.

You have to be aware that there are geneticists and chemist who are producing new strains of steroids that will make the steroids of today look like vitamin C. It’s just the way the world goes. Do they call it cheating in NASCAR if someone invents a new engine that allows the car to drive faster?

“Oh, we have to put an asterik by that record because it’s cheating. They didn’t have engines like that in the 80s.”

The way we train now is changing too. We have yoga, Tae-Bo, plyometrics, resistance training, and a zillion of other ways to train athletes to perform for different tasks. Is that cheating? This will never end.

Science doesn’t have to just impact what we put into our bodies. Science can affect performance in other ways, like Lasik surgery — allowing athletes to see better than ever before, prosthetic limbs — allowing people to use new limbs to outperform the limbs got originally gave them. Again, this technology will keep getting better and better. It will make what we’re doing today look like nothing.

Abraham Lincoln once said, “Whatever you are, be a good one.” If that means steroids, then I don’t care. Steroids won’t make you good, they’ll just make you better at what you can already do. I’ve seen some meatheads at the gym with arms bigger than my legs, but they can’t run well, and I doubt they could hit a 90 mph fast ball. If they’re willing to make their hair fall out and nuts shrink for my amusement (i.e. hitting a ball hard, swimming fast, throwing touchdown passes, etc.), then by all means go for it.

If there was a drug that made me more creative, or made my accountant smarter, or my lawyer have a better memory, I’d be taking my drugs and I’d hope they’d be taking theirs too. I want to be the best I can be, and I want that of other too.

This is still a free country, right?

We still don’t really know the ins & outs of what steroids do. I don’t really know why it’s illegal. When used properly, there are steroids that can be of true benefit to people in middle age and beyond. It’s better than Botox, but for some reason, when we decide to stigmatize something in this country, all the common sense in the world can’t pull it out of the shark-infested waters.

Bruce Springsteen is Why America Sucks/Rocks

Monday, February 2nd, 2009

Mumbling his way to millions since 1972

Mumbling his way to millions since 1972

Bruce Springsteen. You’ve really got to admire the guy. He put on one hell of a performance at the Super Bowl. It was charming right from the start. Springsteen was standing back-to-back with Clarence Clemmons, backlit behind a curtain. The curtain rises and it looks like Bruce is about to rock out on his guitar, but as the first number is being counted out, he chucks the guitar away from him. Well played, Bruce. Well played.

I admire The Boss for the same reason I admire guys like Bob Dylan. Sure, they’re crafty songwriters, but what is truly amazing is how they managed to become pop icons with no ability to sing whatsoever. The man can barely hit a pitch, and he mumbles through everything. One can only understand about every twelth word, and it’s always something like “America,” “girl,” or “Cadillac.”

This is why America is so wonderful. You can be a huge success in this country through hard work, determination, and charisma. Talent and skill hold no bearing. You just love how raw and gritty it is. I’d much rather listen to the buzzsaw of a voice that Springsteen has (it really does look like he hasn’t taken a shit since the Regan administration), over the polished voice of Josh Groban, who’s voice has a methadone-like effect.

I’ll grant immunity to The Boss for his success despite the fact he isn’t what you would call a musical virtuoso. However, there are other talentless people have successful careers, and it gets under my skin because they lack ability, balls, charisma, etc. (i.e. Kid Rock, The Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus, most rappers, and the list could go on and on). The Boss tends to be a blessing, where the rest of the “products” we are told to like make up the curse of this country’s music industry.

On a side note, I was really dissapointed that Clarence Clemmons didn’t have a wardrobe malfunction. That would have brought a smile to my face.

Finally Online

Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008

After years and years of dragging my feet, I’ve finally taken the plunge and established a presence on the World Wide Web. Sure, I’ve got a MySpace and Facebook page, but they are only really good at allowing me to network with “friends” from high school that I haven’t talked to for 12 years (16 if you count our time together in high school). This page is purely for my own indulgence. I’m going to hope that people visit this site and enjoy how witty and funny I am. That’s the new millennium for you. In this day and age, anybody and everybody gets a voice, and most of those people never took the time to get skilled in any craft — but they have a website to pedal their wares in hopes for fame and fortune. I guess I’m no different. So, at this point, somebody had better give me a million dollars and/or a sitcom. I’ll probably update this all the time for the next couple months, and then I’ll update it annually after that. At least for the time being I’ll do what I can to make this page as interesting as possible, so those who visit don’t get pissed at me for wasting precious time in their lives.