Archive for the ‘Ask Chad’ Category

Britney Spears

Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009


My idol is Britney Spears, currently she’s back on the right track with a new life and house which includes a theater and much needed wine cellar. OMG who would have known? My goal in life is to be exactly like her, children and all. The problem is that I’m single. I’m currently a SWF with no kids. What do you suggest I do in order to catch up to her by the time I turn 27?

Betsy R, Parts Unknown

Well Bestsy R from Parts Unknown,

You sound like a total moron, so you’re well on your way to being like your idol, Ms. Spears. You probably don’t have talent either, so — check, and check. To duplicate her story, you’re going to have to find a savvy business guy who can exploit you in some way for financial gains. It will take a lot of sleeping around to find the right guy.

At what point you begin reaching fame and fortune, there’s more sleeping around — but this time you’ll have to be more frivolous, like sleeping with the pizza guy, the mail guy, backup dancers, and so on. The more you sleep around, the more you’ll feel like a hollow shell of a human being. If you have a lot of money, you’ll have a lot of lecherous friends at that point, who probably have access to illegal narcotics. Take a lot of them: Vicodin, Xanax, cocaine, Viagra — whatever you can get your hands on — and wash it all down with a Miller Lite. Once you’re famous, the only way to stay in the public eye is to be a trainwreck. Get high. Get a crazy tattoo. Go to a salon and adapt the Uncle Fester look for a while. Be creative with your self-sabotage.

Until then, you’ve got a lot of work to do. You have a gang of men to please in order to sleep your way to the top. I hope for your sake you’re relatively good looking. I might also reccommend seeking out better role models for your life. But on the chance you are attractive, I’ll get you started on the whole bedding process to get you used to the process. It’s good to give.

Best wishes,

Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems

Monday, February 2nd, 2009

Dear Chad,

I recently found out that I came into a ton of money from an inheritance and need some advice. How would you best spend or invest money that you couldn’t possibly spend fast enough to run out of? And, with all this new money, I’m afraid everyone will now ‘love’ me. How will I be able to really know who my friends are and who is simply friends with my money?

Ryan G, Billings

Congratulations on your new fortune, Ryan. First off, if you can’t spend it fast enough and it will never run out, don’t be a dumbshit by investing it. That’s only going to bolster your wealth and give you even more money that you won’t know what to do with. If you’re feeling particularly charitable, you could start a foundation where you give money to college graduates who’ve racked up an insane amount of debt and got shitty jobs for which college clearly didn’t prepare them. However, if you’re feeling selfish, see Europe, buy a car, and visit high-end strip clubs where you will receive more smutty affection than any human should be allowed.

As for your “friends” are concerned — you don’t have any anymore. Everybody is going to want a piece of your tasty money pie. New friends are absolutely out of the question. You don’t sound very likable, so if new people are introducing themselves into your life, it’s clearly for all the wrong reasons. At best, you can keep one or two of your closest friends who tolerated you before you became wealthy. One good aspect of this, is you’ll now be faced with a bevvy of gold-diggers. Have fun, buddy. You can go through a bunch of high-class tail — just don’t get attached, or they’ll milk you dry.

Best wishes,

P.S. This advice is going to cost you $25,000.00.

Give Me A Holler

Friday, January 23rd, 2009

Welcome to the “Ask Chad” portion of this website. This page is here so we can interact with one another. I’m a bit of a know-it-all, so if you have any questions at all, I have an answer for you. To Hell with Dr. Phil - I’ll give you the good shit. These questions can be about anything.

“Chad. I’ve been married for ten years and my wife is great and all, but I really want to play the field. What can I do?”

“Hey Chad, how do you like to kick it?”

“How do you get rid of herpes?”

“My kid brother is a pain in the neck. I’d like to hit him in the head with a hammer. Should I?”

Any question will do. I look forward to hearing from you all.