A Little Beef with Seattle (or Cities)

Comedy has brought me to Seattle. It’s a great city and I love to visit, but there are some things that get under my skin — no, it isn’t the weather.

There is none. There is absolutely no space in Seattle or any city I’ve been to, which is a gigantic pain in the ass. There’s no such thing as a parking lot. There might be a parking garage, but you’d better plan on paying through the teeth to keep your car there. Even on most of the streets you have to pay to park, that is, if you can find a place to park. It’s almost like your car has a meter running on it while it’s at rest. One dollar for every thirty minutes your car just sits there like a special needs child with a banana. If you can find a spot to park your car, you have no need for a gym, because you will be walking your ass off. If you want to watch the Mariners play, you can park for free so long as you’re in Guam. You’ve gotta hoof it. There are way too many people and way too many cars.

There is shit on top of shit in these places. Stores and homes are crammed together and on top of each other. Most of them are dirty and probably would fail some inspection code of some sort. The west coast is younger than the east coast, yet everything looks like it was built out of Ed McMahon’s scrotum. It’s cramped, stinking, saggy, old, and unfunny.

Starbucks are all over the place, which is fine if you want mediocre corporate-driven coffee in a tight space with no internet connection. I’d rather the local joint right next door that boasts free wi-fi. This sounds great, but half these places are even smaller and don’t have any goddamn plug-ins! Sure, they’ll let you use the wi-fi, but only for the duration of your computer’s shitty battery. Most places also won’t let the public use their restrooms — not even for customers. I’m not sure where people are supposed to take a piss. Maybe that’s why everybody seems on edge — nobody can find a place to take a nice, relieving dump. Nobody goes the extra mile to be nice. Everything will cost you. No plug-ins, no place to park, no place to shit.

For the most part, I don’t have a problem with people here, but they have some odd peccadillos. It seems that the vast majority of people go out of their way to look old and/or homeless. 7 out of 10 people have intentionally bad haircuts. The guy I bought coffee from yesterday had a handlebar mustache, looking like he was going to sell me rock candy at the general store in the 1920s. Everybody’s clothes seem to be ripped or torn or from a vintage store. It looks odd to me today, but the grim reality is whatever happens in the city becomes fashion in the smaller towns in about two years. Sweet. Someday I’ll look forward to having massive glasses, a shitty haircut, and a weird old sweater that was made in the 50s.

One Response to “A Little Beef with Seattle (or Cities)”

  1. John McLellan Says:

    Montana may be behind the times, but I sure feel like it’s right on pace for me. Just because I like a slower, less crowded pace of life doesn’t mean I’m getting old, right? RIGHT? Ah, fuck it, pass the prune juice.

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