Britney Spears


My idol is Britney Spears, currently she’s back on the right track with a new life and house which includes a theater and much needed wine cellar. OMG who would have known? My goal in life is to be exactly like her, children and all. The problem is that I’m single. I’m currently a SWF with no kids. What do you suggest I do in order to catch up to her by the time I turn 27?

Betsy R, Parts Unknown

Well Bestsy R from Parts Unknown,

You sound like a total moron, so you’re well on your way to being like your idol, Ms. Spears. You probably don’t have talent either, so — check, and check. To duplicate her story, you’re going to have to find a savvy business guy who can exploit you in some way for financial gains. It will take a lot of sleeping around to find the right guy.

At what point you begin reaching fame and fortune, there’s more sleeping around — but this time you’ll have to be more frivolous, like sleeping with the pizza guy, the mail guy, backup dancers, and so on. The more you sleep around, the more you’ll feel like a hollow shell of a human being. If you have a lot of money, you’ll have a lot of lecherous friends at that point, who probably have access to illegal narcotics. Take a lot of them: Vicodin, Xanax, cocaine, Viagra — whatever you can get your hands on — and wash it all down with a Miller Lite. Once you’re famous, the only way to stay in the public eye is to be a trainwreck. Get high. Get a crazy tattoo. Go to a salon and adapt the Uncle Fester look for a while. Be creative with your self-sabotage.

Until then, you’ve got a lot of work to do. You have a gang of men to please in order to sleep your way to the top. I hope for your sake you’re relatively good looking. I might also reccommend seeking out better role models for your life. But on the chance you are attractive, I’ll get you started on the whole bedding process to get you used to the process. It’s good to give.

Best wishes,

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