Posts Tagged ‘Ask Chad’

Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems

Monday, February 2nd, 2009

Dear Chad,

I recently found out that I came into a ton of money from an inheritance and need some advice. How would you best spend or invest money that you couldn’t possibly spend fast enough to run out of? And, with all this new money, I’m afraid everyone will now ‘love’ me. How will I be able to really know who my friends are and who is simply friends with my money?

Ryan G, Billings

Congratulations on your new fortune, Ryan. First off, if you can’t spend it fast enough and it will never run out, don’t be a dumbshit by investing it. That’s only going to bolster your wealth and give you even more money that you won’t know what to do with. If you’re feeling particularly charitable, you could start a foundation where you give money to college graduates who’ve racked up an insane amount of debt and got shitty jobs for which college clearly didn’t prepare them. However, if you’re feeling selfish, see Europe, buy a car, and visit high-end strip clubs where you will receive more smutty affection than any human should be allowed.

As for your “friends” are concerned — you don’t have any anymore. Everybody is going to want a piece of your tasty money pie. New friends are absolutely out of the question. You don’t sound very likable, so if new people are introducing themselves into your life, it’s clearly for all the wrong reasons. At best, you can keep one or two of your closest friends who tolerated you before you became wealthy. One good aspect of this, is you’ll now be faced with a bevvy of gold-diggers. Have fun, buddy. You can go through a bunch of high-class tail — just don’t get attached, or they’ll milk you dry.

Best wishes,

P.S. This advice is going to cost you $25,000.00.

Give Me A Holler

Friday, January 23rd, 2009

Welcome to the “Ask Chad” portion of this website. This page is here so we can interact with one another. I’m a bit of a know-it-all, so if you have any questions at all, I have an answer for you. To Hell with Dr. Phil - I’ll give you the good shit. These questions can be about anything.

“Chad. I’ve been married for ten years and my wife is great and all, but I really want to play the field. What can I do?”

“Hey Chad, how do you like to kick it?”

“How do you get rid of herpes?”

“My kid brother is a pain in the neck. I’d like to hit him in the head with a hammer. Should I?”

Any question will do. I look forward to hearing from you all.