Monday, November 20, 2017

Michael Phelps: Olympic Water > Bong Water > Hot Water

Posted by Chadk On February - 4 - 2009

Once again, it’s time for parents and zealous goodniks to have the passionate conversation: Are there no more heroes in the world?! I guess he’s a hero, so much as one can be when your occupation is swimming. Personally, I find Aquaman to be a more suitable underwater hero. However, for a brief moment, Phelps made Americans feel proud about being Americans when he won eight gold medals at the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. Actually, he’s acquired more Olympic medals, gold or otherwise, than any human who has ever lived. If that doesn’t make you want to put him on a Wheaties box, shed a tear, and wave a flag, then you’re a communist – brother!

And now a picture has surfaced with our “hero” smoking pot — out of a bong, no less. Doesn’t he realize that children might look up to him? I mean, the man is a fantastic swimmer. Those are the role models we give to our kids. Athletes. I’ll get to our role models here in a second, but I’ve got to stick with Phelps specifically for a second.

I remember during the Olympics, there were news stories buzzing around about how the lanky, chinless swimmer had a 12,000 calorie-a-day diet. People were shaking their heads in befuddlement. How on Earth does he do that? POT, motherfucker, that’s how! Do you know how stoned you have to be to work up that kind of an appetite every day?

So we’ve now solved that little mystery, but how do you account for his ability to work like he did? I was under the impression that marijuana was the A1 killer for motivation and work ethic. In that sense, it makes me appreciate his accomplishments all the more. Steroids are performance enhancing drugs, but this guy sweeps the field while on performance hindering drugs. That’s amazing, folks. Maybe we should as a country revisit why weed is a illegal. We can’t make criminals out of our heros now, can we?

I guess the world still has heroes, but the older a person gets, the less and less they tend to look up to people. Thankfully age makes people believe in themselves, and not in other people or things (which may explain why 17 year old kids need clothes with Aeropastale plastered on the front, and 40 year old people with jobs don’t). So — I accept that there are heroes and/or role models, but I only do so with the caveat that all of them come with serious baggage.

ATHLETES

These are the guys that get tons of credit, admiration, and money (not to mention – probably a ton of pussy, too) for doing nothing whatsoever to offer any nourishment for anybody’s psyche or well being. At best, they’re entertaining. When I was a kid, I idolized Magic Johnson. I remember hearing the news when he got HIV and had to retire from professional basketball. I went outside, slooped down on the front steps and cried. It took a while for me to come to grips with the fact that somebody I admired so much was capable of living the type of nefarious lifestyle that would give him such a terrible disease.

Magic opened my eyes. I realized that pretty much everybody anybody could admire has serious problems. I’m sure if we knew the actual figures of how many athletes abuse illegal substances, steroids or otherwise, it would blow our minds and break our hearts. That, or we’d become desensitized and not care — which is where I am now. Plaxico Burress walks around with guns, Kobe may or may not be a rapist, and OJ is a walking bag of shit 24/7. The list goes on and on.

LEADERS: POLITICAL AND RELIGIOUS

Let’s look at our last three presidents. President Obama has admitted to using pot. Clinton smoked pot. Screw the whole, “I didn’t inhale” bullshit. He smoked pot. Then you’ve got GW who was a coke addict and an alcoholic. That is, of course, until he “found” God (oh, there he is). You’ve got Rush Limbaugh, who I loathe but many admire, and he’s a pill popper. You’ve got former Senator Mark Foley sending x-rated instant messages to his underage pages. Then there is Ted Haggard (former leader of a Christian mega-church in Colorado, and also was a spiritual advisor to the White House) who bought meth and had sex with a male prostitute. The departed racist Jesse Helms who had a black love child. Again, this list goes on and on and on.

COMEDIANS & MUSICIANS

You’re going to be real hard pressed to find greats in this category who didn’t have some sort of serious peccadillos. Growing up, these were the idols I had who made me realize that everybody did drugs, or did something of a nature my parents wouldn’t approve. It doesn’t matter the genre: Bob Marley, Jimi Hendrix, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Eric Clapton, Charlie Parker, Miles Davis, Willie Nelson; or comics like Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor, Rodney Dangerfield, George Carlin, Mitch Hedberg…

THE REAL HERO

I’ve looked up to and admired many people in my life, and while they’ve all done remarkable things and inspired millions of people, their problems tended to mute my appreciation of them. However, through my whole life, there’s been someone close to me my whole life who could be considered a real hero: my mother. Granted, she doesn’t play the jazz trumpet, write the funnies stories ever, or catch game-winning touchdowns (except for that one time…), but she’s been good to me my whole life and supported everything I’ve ever done with love. She doesn’t drink. She doesn’t smoke. She goes to church. She pays her taxes. She teaches third grade. She’s never screwed anybody over. Some people turn to drugs for comfort and escape. My mom turns to anything with sugar and/or butter and The Game Show Network. All these years I neglected to realize how close a hero can be.

Michael Phelps isn’t a turd for smoking pot. He’s a turd for sounding like a dumbshit when he went on talk shows to promote his book with the clichéd title, No Limits. But he’s an even bigger turd for trying to apologize after his bong picture got leaked. Do you honestly think he feels sorry about smoking pot? No! He’s sorry he got busted. Now he’s just a big, lying dork.

Jesus. How in the shit did I get from Michael Phelps smoking pot to my mother being a hero? This is definitely getting filed in the rant section. Sorry I made you go through all that.