Friday, December 15, 2017

Show Midgets Some Love

Posted by Chadk On January - 23 - 2009

The past presidential election constantly reminded us of race and gender. They told us that those things aren’t a factor, but we all know they are. “Hillary could be the first woman president!” “Obama could be the first black president!” Unless you’re the first human to do something, you can only get accolades if you’re the first woman or African American to do that same thing. In 1997, Madeleine Albright became the first woman to serve as the US secretary of state. In 1947, Jackie Robinson was the first African American to join major league baseball. Let me ask you this – who was the first Mexican to go into outer space? Who is the first Asian to win a grammy? Nobody knows. It would seem as though nobody cares. Women can complain all they want about having to work harder to succeed in a man’s world, but at least we can pat them on the back when they achieve something. Let’s face it: we leave a lot of people out – namely – midgets.

Midgets get shit on all they time, and it’s not because they’re so close to our asses. When was the last time you ever heard a first for a midget? Never! You’ve never heard of it! Why don’t we ever give them love? Earlier I mentioned Jackie Robinson. I’m not trying to diminish his accomplishment because it was extremely significant for our cultural fabric. But, have you ever heard of a man named Eddie Gaedel? He was 3’7” and he played in a professional baseball game on August 19, 1951 for the St. Louis Browns. That’s right ladies and gentlemen – a midget in professional sports. That should be super fucking impressive, but the problem was that Gaedel’s appearance was a joke and publicity stunt. He made one at-bat, where he was instructed to “stay low.” The pitcher threw four consecutive balls, where Gaedel made it to first base and was replaced by a pinch runner. To me, that sounds like genius coaching, but it became a big joke.

I suppose the reason we attach labels to these “firsts” is because that individual had to overcome serious adversities like racism. Condoleeza Rice is a big winner, because she is a successful woman AND African American. When will we see a midget running for any political office? We’d probably just laugh if we heard he was out stumping. He’d probably have a slogan like “Think Big.” We still suck from time to time as a culture. In terms of our government, I can’t recall if any state has elected an openly gay person. And, if they ‘become’ gay while they’re in office, we kick them out and shame them for a few months. At least midgets are honest enough to be open about their stature. They don’t hide in the closet and tell you they’re tall. Now that I think about it, that’s a tough lie to pull off.

Any achievement that stems from an intellectual endeavor should be limited to the first human to do it, whether you’re black, white, female, Mexican, gay, Mormon… whatever. If you’re the first, that’s it. The brain is the ultimate equalizer. If the accomplishment is physical, I’ll still look on with interest. I’d love nothing more than to see a midget in the NFL or NBA. The closest we got was watching Mugsy Bogues play professional basketball at 5’3”. If you’re a basketball fan, I know you had an electric boner watching 5’7” Spud Webb win the slam dunk competition. I’ll give a midget props anytime they make regular people look silly in a physical sport. The only time I’d laugh at a midget is if he/she lost in a limbo contest. I don’t care how sensitive you are, that’d be funny as hell.

It’s nice to see people succeed. In today’s society, it seems the more labels a person has, the better and/or worse their life is. Some people will pat you on the back, other people won’t give you a shot at anything. I imagine we’re a long way from seeing anybody in our government who is a black Jewish woman midget with alopecia.

Long story short (ha, ha, ha, ha, that was a killer pun) a person should receive a pat on the back if they are able to accomplish something if their success is in opposition of their affliction. The following would be great examples of what I’m getting at: Michael J. Fox wins a Jenga or Operation tourney. Stephen Hawking wins a Grammy for his singing. Heather Mills wins a three-legged race. Paris Hilton becomes the first bulimic to win an eating contest. Stevie Wonder becomes the first blind man to win a staring contest. George Bush is the first visibly stupid person to become president.