Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems

Posted by Chadk On February - 2 - 2009

Dear Chad,

I recently found out that I came into a ton of money from an inheritance and need some advice. How would you best spend or invest money that you couldn’t possibly spend fast enough to run out of? And, with all this new money, I’m afraid everyone will now ‘love’ me. How will I be able to really know who my friends are and who is simply friends with my money?

Ryan G, Billings

Congratulations on your new fortune, Ryan. First off, if you can’t spend it fast enough and it will never run out, don’t be a dumbshit by investing it. That’s only going to bolster your wealth and give you even more money that you won’t know what to do with. If you’re feeling particularly charitable, you could start a foundation where you give money to college graduates who’ve racked up an insane amount of debt and got shitty jobs for which college clearly didn’t prepare them. However, if you’re feeling selfish, see Europe, buy a car, and visit high-end strip clubs where you will receive more smutty affection than any human should be allowed.

As for your “friends” are concerned — you don’t have any anymore. Everybody is going to want a piece of your tasty money pie. New friends are absolutely out of the question. You don’t sound very likable, so if new people are introducing themselves into your life, it’s clearly for all the wrong reasons. At best, you can keep one or two of your closest friends who tolerated you before you became wealthy. One good aspect of this, is you’ll now be faced with a bevvy of gold-diggers. Have fun, buddy. You can go through a bunch of high-class tail — just don’t get attached, or they’ll milk you dry.

Best wishes,
Chad

P.S. This advice is going to cost you $25,000.00.